Dear Sis,

Hello and happy fuckin’ April Fool’s Day! I wanted to write and tell you that the otha day I was ova in Aunt Parkay’s attic and came across one of your high school cheerleading pictures, boy were you fat! Didn’t you realize that none of the otha cheerleadas liked you? Those bitches always talked about how skanky you were and they were all 100% correct-a-mento. APRIL FOOLS!!! You believed me didn’t you? I always knew you were a stupid bitch! APRIL FOOLS².

By the way, Robert sent me a set of keys to our, not yours, but our cabin up at Lake Hor-nay. Maybe you can come and visit us this summa. APRIL FOOLS³!!! I can’t believe you fell for it again, you slut.

I just love April Fool’s Day and all of the possibilities that go along with it. This year for April Fool’s Day, it happened to be Lisa’s first appointment at the gyne-o. You will nevah guess what the doc’s name is, it’s Dr. Harold (Harry) Beaver!! No shit sis! I was searching for a new gynecologist since I was kicked out all of the otha offices near my house – including the surrounding suburbs. When I came across this guy, I didn’t care how far away his office was located, with a name like that, how could I pass up such an opportunity? I would have driven two hours even if I had not been kicked out of the closer pussy clinics to see someone with a name like that. When we finally arrived, we didn’t have a long wait, dammit! I always love watching the women after their appointments walk back through the waiting room carrying their special bags full of pussy creams. Oh well, no worries, I was a little distracted anyway with my plans for April Fool’s Day. 

When the nurse called Lisa back, she instructed her to use the restroom so they could get a urine sample. I headed for the examining room to wait. The nurse asked me to take a seat in the waiting area, but I told the nurse that wouldn’t be necessary because I was there as Lisa’s cheerleadah to help her get through such a “traumatic” (fun) event, with this being her first time and all. The nurse bought it hook, line and sinkah and instructed me to have Lisa take everything off and cover herself with a sheet because the doc would be in shortly. When Lisa came in the exam room, I asked her if she took a big dump in the bathroom because Dr. Beaver would be able to smell it on her if she did – no matter how good she thinks she wiped. With that said, she got upset and insisted that she didn’t defecate!!!! I made sure I said this really loud because I was bored and needed something to laugh about. I did hear a few snickers coming from the waiting room. After she finally calmed down, I told her, per nurses orders, she had to take off all of her clothes and lay down on the table with her feet in the stirrups so that she was ready for her first boob/bush exam, I nevah mentioned anything about a sheet. Out of consideration for Lisa’s privacy, I turned my back to her and removed a hidden screwdriver I had stowed away in my purse just for April Fool’s antics. Sis, you’re gonna shit your pants, I halfway unscrewed EVERY possible thing I could in the few minutes I had. I was trying really hard not to laugh because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was the culprit. I excused myself from the room just as soon as Lisa was fully naked. By the way sis, she has a GIGANTIC bush, I need to introduce that girl to a razor, some hot wax or a ponytail holdah. I think it grew all the way to her bellybutton, across her hip bones and then on to her innah thighs.

I walked into the hall to tell Dr. Beaver that Sasquatch was ready to be fingered. He looked at me kind of odd, but I told him I meant to say “examined.” I says to him, “oops my bad doc, but you are going to use your fingers aren’t you?” He replied, “Well yes, I am, mam, but we don’t use language quite so graphic.” I said, “Oh my god, whatever – you’re still a pervert because you like to spend your days looking at teenage pussy.” I’ll tell ya, that doc’s got a little too much teen spirit if you ask me.

I then excused myself from the “Beave” and “accidentally” cut my toe. Yes, I did cut my toe, but I did it on purpose. I screamed when I saw the blood and acted oh so dramatic. The gal in the front office came running up to me and escorted me to the lab. She was really busy, so I told her if she showed me the 1^st aid kit, I could take it from there (wink wink). I had lots of pranks up my sleeve. First, I recalibrated the scale by about 8 pounds so that everyone would think they were much fatter than they actually were. Then I proceeded to halfway unscrew anything else I could find – and believe me there was plenty! I considered my work done when a nurse almost caught me. I hurried out of the lab and back to Lisa’s room. I quickly went back to Lisa’s room and said, “So doc, how’s our little sasquatch doing?” The doc was all, “that wasn’t nice.” I says, “Well ugh doc take a look at her bush – you can’t miss it.” Then he says to me, “Well mam, you’re right, Lisa does have an incredibly large pubic region but that’s ok – it’s natural, she’s young, and I might add, its ohhh soooo soft.” Just then his perverted thoughts were interrupted with a loud clang when the stirrups gave way and fell to the floor. He was all, “WTF??” And I was all, “Well, doc, maybe you got a little too excited with the soft bush in your face.” In order for “Harry” to take the attention away from the stirrup incident, he cleared his throat (knowing him, he probably had a pubic hair stuck in the back of it). He noted that Lisa was coming up on her one year anniversary of womanhood. I started laughing about Lisa being a woman at age 13. The doc straightened his tie and said, he was talking about her menstrual cycle, not that she was an actual woman. I was like, “Do you wanna throw her a Goddamed party or something?” While this conversation was going on, Lisa was mortified still sitting there naked because the doctor didn’t tell her she could get dressed because this exam was OVA! He was getting pretty pissed at my behavior, so I thought I would let him in on my pranks. But before I had the chance, he turned around and “tried” to open the door to leave, but the door knob came off in his hand. I laughed my ass off!!! He immediately wanted to know what the hell was going on. So I said at the top of my lungs, “Happy April Fools Dr. Beaver and staff!!”

Just then, music to my ears, I heard another person scream from the direction of the lab and I knew anotha one of my pranks had been a success.

Well sis, as you can probably guess, I was thrown out of the clinic. I guess I’ll be driving about 500 miles to the next vadge appointment seeing as how I’ve already been kicked out of so many other practices. What’s new right? As far as Lisa’s exam went, she’s fine, just a little stinky down there. He prescribed a shower everyday and some special pussy cream that she got to carry out of the office in one of those special vadge bags.

The good news is that all of the people who were weighed while I was there all thought they were heavier than they actually were. I instilled a valuable lesson in those patients; learn to appreciate what you have. Some of them came in not really loving their bodies, but left feeling grateful that they were eight pounds lighter than they thought they were. They learned to appreciate what they have. They weren’t as fat as they thought they were, isn’t that nice? April Fools jokes don’t always have to be cruel.

Before I was thrown out of the doctor’s office, the “Beave” gave me a great idea, how about throwing a surprise party in celebration of Mary’s first year anniversary of having her period? I know it’s coming up soon. Wouldn’t that be a riot? I was thinking of arranging a party for Lisa, but I think she has had it with me for the moment. When we got home, she went to her room and wouldn’t come out. Maybe she’s getting to know the razor and the giant pack of blades that I bought for her. I’ll be sure to look in the garbage cans to see if I can tell if she shaved her bush and let you know.

Here are some jams that I’m sending you. The names and flavors were spawned from Lisa’s doctor’s appointment.

Jams:

1) Pop Ya Wild Cherry

2) Fudge Stripe, Can this be a Mistake?

3) Fig Forceps

Well bye,

Love,

Sis

-And happy April Fool’s Day – you were nevah an ugly cheerleada, hell, you were the leadah of the squad. I was just jealous of you when the entire football team let you go into the lockah room with them to help them place their cups ovah their intimate area before the big game. Alls I got to do was take them out aftah the game and wash them. As momma always says, “Fresh meat is always best!”