Dear Sis,

Abe sounds like a real babe! Do you think he could hang on to his Lincoln suit for our next visit? I thought it would be great fun for all of us to have a patriEROTIC orgy. Tell Robert that I can’t wait for him to rape me like a slave in his mastah chambah.

I suppose I need to tell you all about the Happy Endings Massage Club. I designated my house as massage headquarters central.Can you believe how many clients are parked in the driveway already?! My stupid neighbahs fell for my obvious manipulations again. When the dumb bitches arrived, they were all making dumb office type jokes like, “Since your house is so clean, can you come over and clean mine?” And, “Been there, done that!” None of their jokes made any sense; I think they were all a bit nervous and embarrassed that they were willingly coming into my lair for a massage. What niave dumb asses ! To humor them and put them at ease, I was all, “Yeah right, you bitches!” in a girlfriend-ish tone of voice. I then faked a big cackle! I’m a poser – so what? It gets me what I want.

The way I got my masseuse was through a lucky accident. Donny had a little run in with the law  about a month ago due to some unusual gang activity. FYI, he’s still a membah of “Kool and the Gang” in case you’re wondering, in fact, he’s the leadah. More importantly it seems his grades are down which he MUST bring up. no matter what it takes. He has to have a GED for his loan papers so that he can open up his own Chippendale-like bar.In an effort to redeem himself at school, and in the community, he has to put in 5 hours of community service per week. To bring up his grades, namely in health and science,he needs to learn more about the human body, which lead me to a fantastic brainstorm which would take care of both of these lame issues. I appointed Donny, “Chief Masseuse,” for our club! I even ordered a fancy plaque and a trophy (I couldn’t decide what I liked the best) from Old Man Hoffman from the local trophy shoppe for his bedroom.Old Man Hoffman gave me a real deal on the plaque so I couldn’t resist it. Hoffman even wrote him the nicest endorsement,ironically, the “some” bitch was also his teacher for Christ’s sakes.(Don’t you think it’s funny when people say “some” bitch instead of son of a bitch? I do.)  Between you and me sis, I think he’s such a perv, but I do have to admit, they make a cute couple.But anyway, here’s a look at Old Man Hoffman’s handy work:

Chief Masseuse

Donny Black

This award goes to Donny Black for completing his training in masseuse-ology! Congratulations Donny! Yay, I knew you could do it. Now you’re one step closer to graduating from High School. Hip Hip Hooray, glad you’re not gay.  You’ve helped make this old man work some kinks out of this old body that he never thought could. I’ll never forget those private instruction sessions when I taught you all about the full release technique. It took you a while and A LOT of practice my special boy, but you did it! If you ever feel your skills are getting rusty, please return to class at once. Your hands are your own instruments and must be conditioned regularly. One more thing, you were by far the teacher’s pet.

Presented by:

Old Man Hoffman

On this day of:

The 5^th of Never

The first thing I did to set up shoppe was to purchase the following supplies:

1. Tea Lights

2. Scented oils

3. A couple of personal massagers with a various assortment of tips

4. AA batteries (in bulk)

5. Replace new age music typically heard in massage parlors with soft sounds of porn

6. Razors (for the unkempt lady)

7. We don’t need a massage table since Donny offered his bed. What a sweetheart!

8. Towels

9. See through robes –or peek-a-boo robes

10.A screen for the ladies to disrobe behind.

11.A hidden camera so that I could make sure these bitches weren’t taking advantage of my beautiful son.  

Afta we gathered our supplies, we sent out a neighbahood mimeograph to each of the ladies. Here is what it said:

Dear Ho’s and Bitches (I was trying to sound cool),

We are pleased to announce the grand opening of the Happy Endings Massage Club. You asked, and we listened! We are now booking appointments with Donny, your personal masseuse. He is available from 3pm until 8pm (note: he gets off the bus at 2:45) in the afternoons and on Saturdays and Sundays 10am until 6pm. He gladly accepts tips, so don’t be shy ladies. We are happy to inform each of you that upon arriving for your first appointment, we will have your beautiful catalogue gifts ready for your pick up. Ladies I must say, you have great taste! Here’s the catch, you may only receive your gift if you come in for a massage with Donny. If you have a balance due (you know who you are, Mary, Anna, Jane, Susie, and Meredith), you may pay me then. CASH ONLY! So, hurry up, appointments are going fast, but there is always room for my girlfriends! Just mention my name when you call to make an appointment.

-Sincerely, The Black Family

How does that sound Sis? I thought it was pretty effective, business like and well written to say the least. So far we have three appointments but they are only with Crystal, Joel and myself. I’m sure Donny could use the practice before the business starts booming and getting out of control. Donny thinks he is pretty damn cool these days with his bedroom masquerading as a massage parlor. I’m sure the community services officer will be so impressed with his generous efforts at being a decent membah of society, to keep him off the streets and improve his health and science grades. But he’s taking things a bit too far. He thinks he is such hot shit now. He has been bragging to his friends that he has his own business and even got business cards printed up at the copy shop. What a posah.

We did finally get our first client who came in today for her appointment. Apparently she has been very stressed ova weaning her five year old from breast feeding, which is not going so well. She has to come in to her child’s kindergarten lunch period everyday to nurse him – what a freak, or maybe this kid has the right idea- who knows? So when Susie came in, I had her gift ready and wrapped with an invoice attached to the top like a make-shift bow. I demanded that she not throw the invoice away, but regard it as a threat. If she didn’t pay me the $15 balance, she would not be allowed to leave my house. She quickly unwrapped her gift to make sure it was what she ordered, before paying me. I have to tell you about the ugly piece of shit she bought from that catalogue. It was an 8” tall golden cherub, knitting a golden blanket using golden knitting needles – how fucking gay. She was so enthralled by her tacky purchase that she immediately gave me the $15 bucks. I then proceeded to escort her upstairs to Donny’s room where I walked in on him whacking his golden rod. (I just thought that sounded funny since we were just talking about gold). Donny quickly put his precious metal back in his pants when he saw me watching him in shocked laughter. He frantically sprang up from his bed at which time the douche bag forgot to wash his hands but instead slathered them in massage oil. Thank goodness Susie stopped at the bathroom first which prevented her from seeing any of Donny’s immature antics take place. If that would have happened, our massage days would be over before they even got started.

I showed Susie into Donny’s room where Donny, using a very romantic soft tone of voice, politely asked her to disrobe behind the screen. She thought he was going to leave, but instead the idiot just stood there staring at her the whole time.She did as instructed, but was a little uncomfortable having to wear the peek-a-boo robe. Donny, being the wiser, sensed her uneasiness and complemented her on her perky tits. He also took notice that she had a giant bush, so, in a gentlemanly way, offered to shave it into a more modern style. He showed her some style choices on the pubic hair poster we crafted so she could select which design would best fit her lifestyle. She was a little horrified to say the least. Even with the comforting glow of the tea lights and Donny’s soft tone of voice, Susie could not chill-ax. Donny told her that he would forget the shaving today, and consented to only give her a stress relieving massage if she agreed to tip him and come back again next week for a shave and perhaps a full release. Feeling victorious, she finally let herself relax and even ventured to complement his strawberry scented oil,red permed hair and soft voice he was using for the massage; personally I thought the oil smelled cheap since we bought it from the dolla section. Based on her taste in other shit, like that golden cherub, I not surprised she liked it so much. I can only imagine what her house looks like. I think I’m going to try to get myself invited ova there so I can check it out, you know just for a good laugh. I’ll make sure to bring my spy cam so I can send you the pictures.

As I was minding my own business making jams, jellies and preserves, I heard a little racket and checked the video cam feed. I saw that Susie was screaming because she apparently rolled over into Donny’s wet spot on his bed. Donny, the dumbass, didn’t clean up afta himself. Alls I could think of was that our business venture was in the toilet where Donny’s by product should have been. Susie got dressed, grabbed her golden cherub and took off. On her way out the door, she said we were all a bunch of perverts and that she knew she never should have trusted The Black Family. I did some quick manipulative thinking and actually smoothed things ova. I told her it wasn’t cum that was in his bed but it was a new coconut oil that Donny was experimenting with. Phew, the dumb bitch bought it hook line and sinkah!! She did go ahead and leave, but not before making a return appointment! As she was walking out the door, she said she would think about getting a new “hairstyle” and that it might be a fun surprise for her girlfriend. Girlfriend ??!?- Who knew? I casually mentioned to her that Joel and I often commented on what an attractive “husband” she had. The world is full of surprises. Maybe her reluctance and inability to chill-ax during her massage was the fact that Donny was a male. 

You know sis, life is funny sometimes. It takes many different twists and turns, but everything always seems to turn out well in the end – Hence, The Happy Endings Massage Club.

Here are your Jams, Jellies and preserves that I worked on while watching the spy cam from Donny’s room:

1) Metastic this is Fantastic! (apple)

2) Fig Faggot

3) Fig-it Fag-it

(Note: I bought a bushel o’ figs and had to use them up)

Love, Sis