Dear Sis,

You’ve really done it this time. Alls I can say is, Thank you –NOT! Eva since Robert read your letta, he has “honestly” (ha ha) become obsessed with Abe Lincoln. I guess he feels out done by Joel George Washington, who knew he was so competitive? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with Abe, he was a super prez and all, but he looks down right creepy, and now I’m married to him! The only way I can feel attracted to my “new” husband, Abe, is to rely on my nasty imagination. I’m sure he has plenty of hot, kinky qualities associated with him, but I was having trouble finding anything attractive about the presidential gent. I sat down with my vibratah and thought long and hard (ummmm) about my situation. I came up with some yummy fantasies involving Abe-ilicious. My idea was to have him chase me around the house at night with the only light coming from an oil burning lantern. (We no longer have electricity so that Robert can feel more Abe-ish ). Then he could treat me like a slave and have his presidential way with me in our totally feng shui mastah chambah. That would be really erotic. As I sit here fantasizing, I think Honest Abe was a lot dirtier than  people  care to remembah.

I tried to explain to Robert that just because Joel dressed up like George Washington doesn’t mean he has to dress like Abe. Robert doesn’t believe he is taken very seriously as a candidate for the president of our homo Homeowner’s Association. If he were to become Abe Lincoln, his people would trust him more than they would just plain ole Robert – borrrring. I know what you’re thinking – it’s me that has fucked up his reputation, but that’s not my problem. Personally, I would love to be the 1^st lady of the neighbahood. I would make sure that all the other women knew my role as their neighborhood queen bee. I would love to use my power and knowledge of their dirty little secrets to blackmail and toy with them. Those bitches would still have to be my friends no matter what. Ohhh, I Y power!

With our previous HOA president taking off with the gerbil tank at the party where Mel was outed, we have been left in a serious bind for true leadaship in our cul de sac. Oh wait… I think I hear “action news” coming down the street. I wonder if Abe and his opponent will be asked to give a press conference about our current situation here. ….6…. Oh never mind it was channel 7 but they’re more interested in this child molester that lives down the street.  That’s not news,  who doesn’t have one living nearby? If Robert were currently in office, as president and first lady, we would have made friends with the sex offendah and tried to rehabilitate him through role playing, rather than having him thrown in the slammah.

I’ve been fascinated watching Robert slowly transition into Abe. I would compare it to a person preparing to undergo gendah reassignment surgery. First, he grew a nasty beard and died it, and his hair, jet black and lost about 30 pounds. I laughed my ass off when I saw him afta his cheep dye job. Robert’s hair is straight, so he looked like a pretty fucked up version of Lincoln. He was pissed and left the house. I had no idea where he went until he later walked in the door. He had gone to the hair salon and gotten a body wave put in his hair. I tried not laugh, but he looked more like Billy Jean King. The next day, he bought a black coat with tails and a tall top hat at the thrift store. I don’t know how this happened, but he seems a little taller. Maybe it’s the pinstriped pants creating an optical illusion. He’s been referring to me as “Mary Todd,” Abe’s deceased wife. WTF? This progression has been going on since we received your letta ova a month and a half ago. At first I didn’t like his new look, but now? WOW!! Stunning…I wish I would have been alive in the 1800’s, things seemed a little nastier back then. Oh, get this, we can no longer go to modern day movie theaters, we can only go to the ones that have actual boxed seating. You know, the kind where men and women dress up and the ladies bring binoculars on a stick? Yeah, those. A week ago Robert ,oops I mean ABE, payed a young man to pretend to come up behind him and shoot him with a cap gun at the theater. It scared the shit out of me, but it was all part of his plan to become more Abe-ish. The man’s gone wild. As we were being escorted by security from the theater, Robert said he was beginning to feel more and more as Abe did. I reminded him that Abe didn’t leave the theater alive, so how would he know? ??? Instead we stopped at the grocery on the way home where Abe used his brief case top hat as an eco friendly grocery bag. Talk about bringing the past into the present!

Whilst we were driving home, I kept noticing how Abe would refer to our home as “The House.” I says to him… “Would you quit acting like such a retard?” I had had quite enough at this point. Abe then leaned over and shouted, “DON’T YOU FUCKING GET IT, YOU WHORE? IT’S THE GODDAMNED HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.” I then got really pissed and we started hitting each other. I asked him in a really bitchy tone if he was planning on renaming our subdivision ”Gettysburg “. Apparently that was part of his campaign that I was unaware of. I began thinking about all of this on our way back to “The House” and started getting really excited. I applauded Abe for all his hard work and apologized for being so unpatriotic. After we got to “The House,” I tried to make nice and put our American Flag out on the front porch – which I found on the closet floor. I saw that Robert had had a 25 foot flag pole erected into the center of our front yard. He told me to fly it at half mast because he had yelled at me. When I walked back into “The House,” Abe had lit kerosene lanterns everywhere. I found it a little  intriguing. I had a kerchief and long cotton gown awaiting me on the bed. I thought maybe we were going to do something really nasty but instead I had to look at blueprints for our new LOG HOME!! I think if Robert gets this position he will change the neighbahood covenants and force everyone to have their home resided to look like log split-levels. I think this will bring a real since of comradery to  our cul de sac and probably force out the gangs.

During the past week, while he passes the time sitting on  the front porch posing like “Lincoln Memorial”, you know, sitting and staring at everyone in an ultra creepy way, I’ve been working on his speech. The funny thing is that when my neighbahs see me they ask, “Is Robert smiling or frowning?” I just laugh and don’t answer them.

Finally the day arrived and Robert gave his brilliant speech, that I wrote. He stood eva soo tall giving his declaration on our front porch; I think he was standing on a stool to look taller. I hung some swag curtains on the front porch railing so it would look more like a presidential podium and decorated it with red, white and blue crape paper streamas. I guess the colors won’t matter much since I only took black and white pictures. We hired one of those photographers who have to put that blanket over their head to take a photograph – we may go with sepia toned because black and white are so vintage and we want more of an antique look and feel. That’s the way to get noticed, sis. So we had our "Fellow Countrymen" cast their ballots. I might mention that we only allowed the men to vote. I had to pay them either with a hand/blow job or cash. The women got a free scrapbooking session since that’s what those dumb bitches are into. They loved it! When the votes were counted it was a tie, so I had to go down to the jail and have the child molestah cast his “shwing” vote. We knew he would vote for us because we were the only ones who eva took the time to REALLY get to know him. He really is a nice guy and just because he has done a few inappropriate things lately, you shouldn’t judge him. After he is released I think Abe will appoint him as “Secretary of Defense.” Gettysburg must be protected at all costs, this is one sought afta neighbahood.

Sis I’m sure you’re wondering how this all went down with a good happy ending, but Robert only wanted to prove to himself, and to his children, that you should never give up on your dreams, no matter how stupid they are. I need to go and package the jams – without electricity I was forced to use the fireplace and a wood burning stove to prepare them, what a pain in the ass. Now that Abe won the election, I hope he turns the damn power back on. Who does he need to prove himself to now? He won, now he can do whateva he wants.

Love,

Sis

1) Lincolnberry Liar                                                       

2) Strawberry Booth’s Berry Bullet

3) Gettysburg or Williamsburg? (This is a special jam, sort of like Goobergrape, but it’s blackberry and raspberry swirled!)