Dear Sis,

How’s the beastly Jabba the Hutt family doing? Back at ya, bitch! So we’re doing fine here in LaWasteatima, WA. How is your sexy husband Joel doing? He looked so delish in the photos you sent me ova the innanet, even Robert thought he looked tasty. Speaking of tasty, we have a new neighbah that just moved in across the street. I think he’s a big HOMO, I’m not talking about homosapien eitha.

When the moving truck left his house, I took it upon myself to be the first to meet this mystery meat – oops, I mean, man.  I noticed the designah’s showcase coming off the truck, so as you can imagine, I was intrigued. I sashayed up to him giggling and said to him point blank, “Hi, welcome to the neighbahood! So are ya bachin’ it or are ya packin’ it?” He responded with, and I might add, quite rudely, “Oh my god, hi my name is Blaine and not that it’s any of your business, but yes I am bachin’ it, as you put it!” I swear he called me fish under his breath. Anyway, I told him that for a “straight” guy (and I did quotes with my fingers) he had really gay taste. He seemed a bit offended by my comments, but I just kept on rolling with it until he eventually threatened to call the police to get me to leave. I get so sick of the goddamned police harassing me, so I decided I better make nice with him. Afta I left, I saw lots of the otha neighbahood women taking their suck up baskets of homemade bullshit to him. I thought I’d one up those bitches and take a batch of Deep Throat Shootas over and get him drunk so I could get him to confess his homosexuality to me. I just had to know so that I could go and tell everyone. You know how I love being the one to delivah the news, I love the power I have ova everyone else when I know something they don’t, not to mention how much I love starting roomahs.

Wouldn’t you know, even after the shootas he still wouldn’t fess up. But I did find out that he owns a florist and has a Pomeranian dog named Ms. Thang. I decided after leaving his house that I should throw him a “Welcome to the neighbahood” party! You’re gonna wet your pants sis, but I really threw him a surprise, “coming out”, party! In fact, I ordered the party flowers from him! When  I placed the order, I told him it was for a party I was hosting that a lot of gay people would be attending, so he had to use his imagination for the floral arrangements. Afta I sent out the invites, the neighbahood bitches could hardly contain themselves, I guess they don’t get out much, little did they know, they were in for a surprise too.

As each guest called and RSVPed, I asked if they could bring a gerbil and a used paper toweling tube and I would take care of the  rest. I made a rainbow cake decorated with colorful candies and sprinkles, more shootas, you know the ones Donny taught me to make, the Creamy Dreamy, Hot Shots and the Suck and Blow, just to name a few). I also picked up necklaces that resembled anal beads from the dolla store for each guest to wear and take home. If they weren’t sure how to use them, I figured if we got Blaine drunk enough we could get him to demonstrate at the party. I also put my rainbow flag on my front porch and discreetly placed a cute little rainbow sticka on Blaine’s gay little hybrid, I just knew he would appreciate it afta we all outed him. I had all of the guests arrive before Blaine so that the gerbils could be placed in the tank, and everyone could hide. Keep in mind that these stupid neighbahood bitches think they are here for Blaine’s, “Welcome to the neighbahood,”surprise party.

When Blaine arrived, the little faggot showed up with a hot, female date. When I answered the door, alls I could say was, "WTF?? I thought you were a homo Blaine!!!" I was soo pissed that I went ahead and outed him anyway. When I made the announcement in front of the guests, everyone got quite and just stared at me like I was a fool or something. So I shrugged my shoulders and just said, “What the fuck are you looking at?” and went on with the party anyway. Once everyone had their fair share of shootas, those uptight neighborhood bitches  started loosening up some. I took advantage of the situation by not indulging in the spirits so that I could keep a clear head while trying to get some embarrassing info out of those  boring women. I was at least hoping to find out that someone had been to prison or had a three way with anotha neighbah, but I struck gold, (without digging for it, if you know what I mean). At first it was the same old boring shit. One bitch named Cindy confessed that she had embezzled a little moolah from the PTA funds (zzzzzzzzz), another bitch confessed that she had been to a dildo party (zzzzzzzz), but…..Melinda, or should I say Mel, confessed that she wanted a sex change. WHOA….I got what I was hoping for, some juicy gossip I could tell everyone in the hood, and at school, when I’m allowed back.

At first Mel just said she thought she was bi-sexual, as you can imagine, I was still bored at this point. Then she said she was thinking of having a sex change but had not told her husband yet. That woke me from my bored stupor, I wasn’t sure if I heard her correctly, so I says to her, “Come what may??” I expressed deep concern for her situation, which I was faking the entire time so that she would keep talking. She was upset because she’s the captain of the women’s tennis team at the clubhouse and didn’t know how to handle it if she were a man. But no worries there, first of all I reminded her of the men’s tennis team, and second there are even famous lesbo tennis playas that look like men. Problem solved! But that didn’t stop me from digging a little deepa, I had to see how far I could push the spineless little woman poser. I gave her/him?? an offa she/he?? couldn’t refuse. I says to her, “If your husband is too much of a pussy to get it on anymore afta you get the change, my husband, Robert, is a free spirit and is very open minded. He once told me he thought it would be really neat to be with a trannie, so he would love to take care of your needs once the transformation takes place.” As I said this, I was playing with her hair because this whole idea was turning me on. I pushed her a little harder and dared myself to ask, “So are ya gonna have them build ya a dick or are you gonna be a dude with a pussy?” At that point, I knew I had pushed her to her limit because apparently she had not considered what kind of genitalia she wanted to sport. I then pushed a little more and dared myself to ask her if she was going to like girls or guys, and what would that make her, gay or straight? She started crying, but I knew it was just the liquor talking, so in an attempt to  make her feel better, I told her that we would be up for a ménage a trios whether she was gay, straight, or decided to keep her pussy or have a dick. I also reminded her that she would have a new “straight” friend named Blaine if she needed someone to talk to.

By the end of the night, I had everyone calling her Mel so she could start feeling more comfortable in her new role. At that point, I realized I had achieved what I had set out to do, I outed someone at the party. All was not wasted and everyone had a great time. As far as the tank of gerbils goes, I happened to have noticed the president of the homeownas association leave with the tank. Sis, the wheels are starting to turn as I formulate my next rumah.

Jams:

1) Gerbil Jelly

2) Jelly Baby – Is it mushroom soup or jelly?

3) KY Kumquat

Love, Sis