Dear Sis,

I just got your letta and laughed my ass off. Did you tell any of the children that they were in cardiac arrest? You should have called me and I could have pretended to be a 911 operatah.

I too just took my kids to registah for school and noticed the dropping temperatures and the Christmas decorations in the store. Too bad you had slim pickings on the volunteer schedule. I signed up at the end of the last school year to be the classroom art mom this year. I have been working on some new art ideas for the class and I’ve already presented my 1^st lesson. It was sweeeeetttt! Ok I’ll admit, I was hoping to keep you on the edge of your seat, but I’ll get to the details soon enough. Some of my upcoming lesson plans include sculpting a replica of their own genitalia! I thought I’d ask the teach if I could start a day early and have the kids watch “Ghost.” Remembah the part where Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore were getting it on at the potter’s wheel? Well, I thought I’d have the kids partner up with each other (boys/girls, girls/girls, boys/boys, teacher/student, teacher/myself, student/myself/teacher) and have them re-enact the part. As father always says, “dare to be different!”

I’m planning to do a Van Gogh presentation later in the school year. Do you remembah how he cut his ear off? First I would give a very brief talk about his boring wah wah life and then see how ballsy the kids really are. I’ll bring in a set of steak knives and poultry scissors, which I’ll have to sneak into the school, (fuck the zero tolerance rule). As I always tell the kids, I have no rules when it comes to art. My mission is to see if I can entice the kids to cut off a part of their body and send it to a loved one. Afta all, Christmas is just around the corner. I want to discourage cutting off the ear because it’s so yesterday. If it gets too bloody, I’ll just send them to the clinic and let the school nurse deal with the amputations.

As I so coyly mentioned earlier, I’ve already presented my 1^st art lesson and it was awesome!! In the spirit of Henri Matisse and The Purple Robe, we focused on recreating Matisse’s unrealistic image by updating it to the 21^st century. After passing out their art supplies, I excused myself and went to the lady’s room to change into my own purple robe. I returned to the classroom, sat down in a chair and let the robe fall open revealing my nude, hairy body. I formulated this idea some time ago, so I have been growing out as much body hair as possible since that’s the way they wore it back in the 1930’s. Well you can imagine the giggles from the students when I sat down. Lucky for me, the teacher wasn’t around. She must have taken my advice when I told her I could manage the class on my own and that she should take a well deserved break. She was delighted. I instructed the kids to draw the setting and myself from their own perspective. Remembah, no rules – except for the rule of not telling on me. I invited them to come up and touch and feel ALL of my different bodily textures, (smooth, rough, bumpy, soft hair, wet parts) so they could make their drawings as realistic as possible. Some kids did, and some refused. That’s ok. One kid was so grossed out by all of my body hair that he gagged! I told him to chilax and draw my tits instead. I tried to make nice by telling him the easiest way to express my body hair on paper was to simply draw a bunch of “s” shapes and cursive “e’s”. He was not buying what I was selling, the little mother fucker. As you can imagine out of all the kids in the class, he was the only one who was going to be a deal breaker. I of course had to black mail him. I told him that if he went to get their teacher, I would cut his ear off. After I said that, the little pussy backed off and went back to his drawing. Interestingly, his drawing turned out to be the best!

I took everyone’s masterpiece and taped them up in the lunchroom for an impromptu art show. I thought I would surprise the staff and student body (yummmmmm) by showing what a talented bunch of artists Ms. Dewberry’s class is. I stayed to have lunch, while still wearing my purple robe, so I could watch everyone’s reactions. Wouldn’t you know it, during lunch, the cafeteria was filled with a lot of commotion. I thought these great works of art would have been admired; instead the whole place was in an uproar. The drawings were quickly removed by the lunchroom Nazi, that bitch doesn’t know good art when she sees it. Most of the students were laughing their asses off and after spotting me sitting in the lunchroom, started yelling at me to “take it off”.

Needless to say, all of the students want me for their art mom but the faculty and parents do not. If you ask me, the school is in a bind because all of the other art moms withdrew as volunteers from this program, they knew they could never measure up. Let’s face it Sis, I’m a hard act to follow. Apparently the other mom’s felt a little inferiah to me. I offered to give assemblies to the entire student body every month to take care of this art nonsense but the staff will not even discuss it with me. Because the school is being such a hard ass, I am going to take this matter to the district, then to the state and so on if I have to. I can’t believe what douche-bags they are all being! Don’t’ they know that expressing the body is one of the most beautiful pieces of art? They should appreciate me because I was willing to let the kids use and touch my body to make their masterpieces. What more do they want?

Sis, I’m not about to let this one go. Here are a few other artistic ideas I’m planning on presenting to the board of directahs in the school district.

Artist:	Print	Project:
Georgia O’Keefe		Using a digital camera, take a picture of each student’s intimate area and let them morph it into a part of a flower using oil pastels.
Andy Warhol		Each student would draw/paint 6 different boobs with each nipple being a different color. This would celebrate his famous Campbell’s Soup can painting.
Pablo Picasso		In the theme of his wah wah “Blue Period”, each student could recreate the most traumatic experience of their lives and bring it to life on canvas. Ex: death in the family, limb amputation, molestation, physical abuse, etc. The sky’s the limit!
Roy Lichtenstein		Take above mentioned tragedy and put a neat spin on it comic book style. I feel this will bring the kids closure resulting from such a horrible event in their lives. I want them to be able to look back at the tragic event and laugh.

You have that creative touch too sis, if you can come up with any other ideas that I could take to the district/state, please let me know.

Here are your jams, jellies and preserves:

1) Abstract Apricot Asshole

2) Raspberry Renaissance Robot

3) Passion Pubic Peach

Love, Sis