These are just a few examples of the sacred delicacies that can be made from The Official Church Food Ingredient List (see post). You may notice the possibilities are endless (like eternity).  Most, if not all of these, are complete assaults on the digestive and circulatory system. These recipes alone help keep our doctor’s pockets lined with gold. With the heart-stopping ingredients in these glorious foods, funeral planning should be part of the social event. After all, Isn’t church a preparation for the afterlife? These recipes are a fun way to get you there sooner than you thought!

Appetizers and Salads:

The Appetizer that Stares Back at You (Several flour Tortillas, cream cheese and zesty kosher dills)

Five-Minute Tidbits (Butter, Taco Seasoning, Corn Chex and Parm – green can only please) 

9 Day Slaw (Contains same old boring slaw ingredients. It takes 24 hours to make and does not keep 9 days)

Potato Salad

Cornbread Salad

Mama’s Congealed Vegetable Salad – See picture

Sauerkraut Salad

Praise the “Lard” Biscuits  – We’ll say no more on this one

Main Courses:

Fettuccine Al Anything

Mexican Manicotti 

Hash Brown Casserole – A complete assault on ye ole digestive track

Senator Jungquist’s Sweet Potato Casserole

Thanksgiving Apple Casserole (Sliced apples, sugar, oleo, flour, milk, Velveeta cheese, sharp cheddar cheese)

Busy Day Chicken Breasts Paprika

Chicken Country Captain (Bacon, chicken breasts, flour, celery, bell pepper, canned tomatoes, broth, raisins and  almonds) …a country captain?? Hmm..

Chicken Elegant (Same old stuff in all of the other chicken recipes)

Chicken Sunday (Lg. fryer, canned cream of mushroom and cream of chicken soup, rice, water, celery, salt- your might go to hell if you make it on a different day of the week)

Company Casserole (Rice, canned mushrooms, canned cream of mushroom soup, Worcestershire sauce, bulk pork sausage, chicken, bread crumbs, butter – again, the bulk pork keeps the chicken company while wrecking havoc on your digestive system)

Filets in Foil (Wrap some meat or fish in foil, seasonings and potatoes in foil and bake)

Hamburger Quiche (Ground beef, mayo, milk, egg, cornstarch, sharp Cracker Barrel cheese, onion, frozen pie shell)

Husband’s Delight (Egg noodles, ground beef, garlic salt, sugar, canned tomato sauce, chives, sour cream, cream cheese, cheddar cheese – The husband’s going to find himself taking a dirt nap if he eats too much of this concoction)

Extras and Sides:

White gravy

Anything Au Gratin Baby!

Brown Rice (French onion soup mix, white rice, beef broth, butter = brown)

Cheesy Rice Bake 

Pork and Bean (No fighting over the piece of pork)

Ranch Style Baked Beans (Don’t you just love it when the name of a food has the word style in it? In this case the beans have style, sometimes corn can have style when it’s Creamed Style Corn) 

Copper Carrot Pennies (Don’t be fooled by the silly name kids, it’s sliced carrots, green peppers, onions, tomato soup and salad oil)

Company Cauliflower (Here the sliced mushrooms and green peppers keep company with the cauliflower)

Apple Cheesy (2 cans of pie apples, 2 sticks of butter or margarine, flour, 2 c. sugar and 1 lb of Velveta cheese, that’s a bowel movement waiting to happen right there)

Baked Cheese Savory (Thick white bread, 1/2 lb Sliced American Cheese, egg, paprika, milk) – ahhhhhhhh plop…plop and prairie doggin’ it

Old Man Hoffman’s Refrigerator Rolls (Yeast,water, shortening, sugar, salt, egg, flour, Old Man Hoffman’s “secret” additive) – Who is Hoffman you ask? He’s ya Daddy. Who’s ya Daddy you ask? Hoffman.

Sweets:

German Chocolate Cake – You know who you are.

Monkey bread

Sensational Pecan Tarts

Dump Cake — YES, that really is a type of cake.

Dirt Cake

Deb’s Special Cake (You can substitute your name for Deb’s or a church word like “joyous” or something that has a holy flair to it)

Sheath Cake (Sheet cake for those with a lisp)

Pink Stuff (Cherry pie filling, condensed milk, crushed pineapple, cool whip, 1 pecan for garnish) Everyone LOVES this! Most people are so impressed over the pecan garnish. This will always win some brownie points with fellow pilgrims.

Bark (2 sticks butter, 1c. brown sugar, 12oz choc chips, 1 box regular saltines)

Five-Minute Fudge – Wonder if it really takes 5 minutes?

Heavenly Bits (This can be the name of any recipe if you need to earn some brownie points)

Beverages:

“Church” Punch (Hawaiian Punch, canned frozen lemonade, Sprite)

Coffee

Iced Tea

Lemonade

Water

Sample Menu:

Praise the “Lard” Biscuits 

Sunday Chicken

Copper Carrot Pennies

Sheath Cake and Whipped Topping

Fruit Cup

Coffee                 Tea 

Don’t forget to end your meal with a scripture mint! No one should smell your breath whilst saying, “AhhhhhMen,” along with the rest of the pilgrims.