Dear Sis,

 How is the Helvneinceinfuiea family doing? We’ve been super busy with school starting, yeah I know, it’s almost Halloween. When school started back in Septembah we forgot all about it and went on with our summer fun!! We started noticing the beautiful fall foliage, cooler temperatures and the lack of children at the water parks, so I took that as a queue to registah the children for school. So what if the kids have to repeat a grade, it wouldn’t be the first time! Hey, school’s free baby-sitting right? The more years the bettah!

Afta I finished with all of the pedestrian paperwork, they were officially on the rostah!   As I was walking out, Lisa was bitching at me to look at the bullshit volunteer list that was hanging on the wall. Wouldn’t you know it, that little bitch suckered me into signing up for something. As luck would have it, the only spot left was to volunteer for health screenings which means working with that poser school nurse from last year. She was the one that gave me shit about Lisa’s heat strokes, what a bitch. It turns out that the health screenings were that afternoon. That gave me time to work on an idea that I was quickly formulating. I thought I would add a fun, yet neat twist, to an othahwise serious day, so I quickly went home and typed out the following form letta.

To the parents of: ______________________________Date:_____________________________

Your child was given a health screening today at school. Our findings indicate that your child has the following disease:

____(insert deadly disease of choice here)______ and should be taken immediately to a specialist at the Children’s Hospital.

Although I’m not a doctor , but according to my guesstimation, which was determined by using my using my Texas Instrument, your child has only:

:PS: You may want to consider making a video for Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Your chances of getting a brand new house for free because you have a “sick” kid have just risen dramatically. Isn’t Ty Pennington a hottie?

On the way to the school, I stopped by the Halloween Shoppe to buy a nurses uniform.  When I got to the school, I had my form lettas on a clip board because I wanted to look official and appear professional for my new role. I went to my station to set up the vision testing. I thought the assortment of letters on the eye chart was boring, so I used my Sharpie to make my own. I have put a copy of it in with your letta because I knew you would want to use it on your own kids for a joke. The children sounded so funny reciting letters that happened to spell words like, f-u-c-k-c-o-c-k, etc…You get the idea. I Then proceeded to check their hearing. Instead of the conventional, boring hearing test of beeps, I whispered words such as, eat me, lick me, I’m gay, etc. And to add a little humor, I made the kids repeat what I just whispered to them in a normal voice. Sis you should have been there, I acted like I took offense to what they were saying, it was so hard to keep myself from laughing, luckily tears came to my eyes and it looked like I was crying. I especially liked whispering, “I’m gay,” into some of the kid’s ears. It was so funny when they would look at me without thinking and say “I’m gay?” or “I’m a homo?”, or “my dad’s a trannie?” It was priceless! I would say in a loud tone of voice, “What you’re gay?!?” Then I would humiliate them to the point at which they were crying. I told them I was a homophobic and really into hate crimes. So don’t be surprised if you are on the back of a milk carton one day.

During testing, I was scoping out each patient to determine which disease I thought they looked like they would have. At the end of the screening, I filled out a copy of the form lettah and put it in an envelope that said, “Top Secret!”. In a soft, comforting, funereal toned voice, I instructed each student to give it to their parents. Of course the kids were curious as to what was so secretive – which was my intent. So I said, “Oh all right, go ahead and open it.” Inside, each kid had a diagnosis of a lethal disease. Melvin’s disease was thoracic cancer. I guessed he had about two months to live, which I circled on his form letta, so he would be dying around Christmas. I made sure that each kid’s estimated time of death would be around a holiday. In this particular incident with Melvin, he started crying and becoming hysterical. I simply said “OH HOMEY…Oops I meant, OH HONEY! IT’S OKAY, AT LEAST YOU CAN HAVE A CHRISTMASY COFFIN! THEY CAN EVEN DRESS YOU IN A SANTA, ELF or SNOWMAN SUIT! I WISH I COULD BE SO FORTUNATE!” As Melvin continued with his hysterics, I said, “There, there, now, don’t worry, your family will  still be celebrating Christmas!”

After Melvin’s overly dramatic performance, that fucking nurse came over to my station and asked what was going on. I told her to mind her own goddamned business, and that I was just trying to do my job. Then I proceeded to tell her that Melvin, that little faggot, just got a little upset about his test results. In case you’re wondering what the nurse’s name is, I don’t know. I just call her the nurse because I don’t really care. Let’s just call her Nurse Wynterbush. At that point, ole buttfish Wynterbush caught site of the vision testing letters and asked why I wasn’t using what I was given. I told her I thought the children would enjoy a little joke. Goddammit, why does everything have to be so serious all the time? Then Wynterbush noticed my clip board of forms. She said I wasn’t qualified to give a diagnosis, but I beg to differ because I had my Texas Instrument. I’ve often heard they are used in hospitals to make accurate diagnoses. When the principle got wind as to what was going on, he called for a quick staff meeting to decide my fate as a diagnostician for the student body. Three minutes later, the gym teacher and the Dean came and escorted me out of the school. Alls I said to them was that it was only meant as a neat joke. Jeeze some people just take themselves so seriously.

Obviously I got home earlier than I planned so I made you some jams, jellies and preserves. I hope you like them. I tried to incorporate today’s theme into the flavors:

1) Diagnosis Dingle berry

2) Huckleberry HIV (pronounce HIV as if you were rhyming with “give”)

3) Rest in Peace Raspberry

Love, Sis

Scientific Eye Exam

I

A   M

G    A    Y

G    R    O    W

A      B      U      S      H

B         I         G         A         N         D

H          A          I          R          Y          Y

S             K             I             N             F             L             U             T             E