If you’re new to the church scene and want to make a splash with your new Sunday school class, you must consult this list to verify that the dish you are bringing contains at least 3 of the following delicious ingredients. This is important criteria that must be met for all church social engagements except weddings; however, funeral cuisine is also considered to be a church social. Don’t you think it’s funny how the first three letters of the word “funeral” spells the word “fun”? We just had to point that out.

The mouth watering foods made from these glorious ingredients proclaim, “We’re just down-home Christian folks, nothin’ fancy about us.” No one would dare step outside of the realm of comfort food and bring steak tar tar,vichyssoise or sweet breads (if you don’t know what they are, look it up – we wouldn’t eat them either, in this case, we would rather eat a Company Casserole – don’t know what this is? It’s a double-meat casserole where the pork sausage keeps the chicken company.) Because we realize this may be somewhat confusing at first for a newcomer wanting to impresses their fellow pilgrims, we have developed a fool proof system for you to use until you have learned to live by the unwritten rules of proper church cuisine, preparation and presentation.

The Joyous Fool Proof Method:

Pick an ingredient from each category, mix them up, throw them in the oven at 350F for 30 to 45 minutes, call it a casserole and call it a day. Note: Some ingredients fall into more than one category, it’s ok if you pick the same one more than once, It makes it special X 2!

Dairy:

Cream Cheese

Sharp(because they are so edgy) Shredded Cheddar Cheese

Neufchatel – If you don’t know what the fuck this is, it’s cream cheese in disguise

Sour Cream

Boiled Eggs 

Buttermilk

Heavy Cream

Individually wrapped, sliced and processed American Cheese

Cool Whip

Cheese Whiz

Whole Milk

Heavy Cream

Velvetta Cheese

Condensed Milk

Evaporated Milk for oyster (oystcha as our grandmother calls it) stew

Canned Parm Cheese

Meat:

Bulk Sausage – any kind (the whiter the better)

Bacon – Sliced and Bits

Deviled ham

Meat Suet

Ground Beef (The highest fat content works best with these recipes. Pssst…it’s cheaper)

Ham (Smoked and Virginia Baked – not Black Forest)

Chops

Drum Sticks and Thighs (Why they like these parts is so mysterious…) – Great for Chicken Surprise – Whatever that is..??

Condiments:

Mayonnaise

Bacon Bits

Relish – Great condiment for any crisis situation.

Old Bay Seasoning for the adventurers

Worchestershire Sauce

Gelatin (great for the Ham Buffet Mold)

Ketchup – In this case fancy ketchup is fine to use. – Impressive!

French Dressing

Thousand Isle Dressing

Tabasco Sauce

Salsa – It gives almost any food an unexpected and kerazy twist

Clear Corn syrup

Onion Soup Mix

Packets of Hidden Valley Ranch

Croutons

Garlic Salt

Canned Goods:

Canned Cream of Mushroom soup

Canned Cream of Chicken Soup

Canned Cream of Celery Soup

Canned Fruit in a Heavy Syrup

Canned Pineapple Juice

Stewed Tomatoes

Green Olives

Canned Mushrooms

Canned Chopped Green Chiles

Pimentos

Condensed Milk

Evaporated Milk for Oyster Stew (Oystcha as our grandmother calls it)

Canned Parm cheese

Pork and Beans

Ragu (only) Busghetti Sauce

Staples:

White Flour

White Rice

White Bread, thick cut or Texas toast style

Bisquick

Elbow Macaroni

Instant Pudding (for dirt cake) 

Cornbread Mix

Frozen Pie Crust

Egg Noodles

The kind of rolls you only get 3 of. Do you know what these are?

Ragu (only) Busghetti Sauce

Fats (a must have!):

Mayonnaise

Margarine

Rendered Fat

Oil

Shortening

Oleo

Miracle Whip

Deviled Ham

Butter

Lard (Great for Praise the Lard Biscuits)

Salad Oil

Fruits and Vegetables (don’t worry, there aren’t too many):

Onions – white only!  Purple onions seem somewhat under used in the church considering that purple is used on the pulpit at Easter. Easter Onions perhaps?

Green Onion tops – exception to the white onion rule

Celery

Green Olives

Canned Mushrooms

Frozen Okra unless someone brings it from their garden. Everyone is in awwww over it.

Pimentos

Sauerkraut

Green Peppers

Outrageous Toppings:

Funions

Bread crumbs made from crumbled Soda Crackers

Chow Mein Noodles – A “uniquely original” topping!

Ritz Crackers

Crescent Dinner Rolls

Crushed Potato Chips for Casseroles

Cornflakes for a topping no one can identify – now they can REALLY tell you’ve been watching the food channel.

Cool Whip

Gram Crackers for a pie crust – This is great for a pie filling of fruit flavored gelatin mixed with Cool Whip

Cornbread Mix

Thick cut White Bread – Texas Toast style

Croutons

Chives

The Kerazy ingredient that everyone is supposed to say, “Whoa, I can’t believe you added the flavor of oranges to chocolate!” (That’s just an example)

Funions to Green Bean Casserole instead of canned friend onions

Cilantro (if feeling bold) to anything Mexican

Fig – added to anything (hey, what’s not to like about a fig?)

Black Beans added to a Mexican dish instead of refried beans.

Wild Rice instead of white rice.

Secret Ingredients: Shhhh……..

A dash of cayenne pepper – This is used so that someone asks the person that brought in the dish, “This Shrimp Sea Island has quite a kick!” -The ultimate compliment…

Lawry’s Seasoned Salt

Sour Cream

Instant Pudding – secretly adds moisture and flavor to all baked sweets

Lemon Juice

Clear Corn syrup 

Onion Soup Mix

Crescent Dinner Rolls

Garlic Salt

Buttermilk, for a unidentified tangy twist

Old Bay Seasoning, for the adventurers

Gelatin, adds a weird congealed element to any dish

For that Signature Finishing Touch:

Parsley and Paprika for an outrageous garnish. This will make it apparent that you watch the food channel and take it very seriously.

Vanilla Wafers (Great for a decoration and something fun for the kids and adults too, wink wink)

Canned Parm Cheese

Crescent Dinner Rolls

Oreo Sandwich Cookies

Chocolate Chips

And Good luck my pilgrims….See ya at the Fellaship Hall the 18th of never!