Dear Sis,

How is the ugly Chewbacca family doing? I hope the heat strokes aren’t contagious. I wouldn’t want to get infected on my next visit, although fainting can be a little sexy if done right. We’re doing pretty well but I’m getting pretty annoyed because I’m being bombarded by all of this environmental bullshit going on. I received a notification in my garbage bill yestaday. Would you believe they want to charge me to take away my trash but recycling is free? WTF?? Why would they want to charge me to take my trash away? All they are doing is dumping it in a landfill, how hard could that be?

So I’ve made a decision, I’ve decided that I’m totally over the “Save the Earth” people and I hate Earth Day. Being environmentally friendly just sucks for the most part, I just don’t have the time. I’m going to start throwing everything in the trash and tell our garbage company that we don’t want the recycling bin anymore and would like to trade it for another garbage can. Fuck the environment! I’m gonna say that every chance I get. I know people are going to be offended, but that’s the funny part. But who cares, it’s a free country right? I’m also going to have Joel trade in his gay little hybrid and see if he’ll by a Hummah instead. I’m considering having some T-shirts made up that have a picture of the earth with a slash going through it, a recycling can in a circle with slash going through it, and one with a some cute spotted owls on the front and on the back it says, “Who cares?”  What do you think? Would you be willing to join my team for this cause? You know, the truth is, we won’t have to worry much about what happens to motha earth because we’ll be dead by the time her majesty’s a really shitty place to live anyway.

I am going to start boycotting upcoming green festivals because I don’t have much else to do ova the next few months since Donny’s finished his bartending courses. I want to cause some trouble and maybe even get on the news or thrown in the local slammah! I think it would be heelarious to see Joel’s face when he comes down to bail me out! I’ve already started making signs, “Sandwidge board style”, for the children to wear. Of course they don’t want to do this, but I says to them that as long as you are living under my roof, I have the right to humiliate you as I wish! That shut them up. I proceeded to take measurements so their signs would fit. Do you think you could come here and help us out with our protest? I think we would be speaking for many people that have this same secret wish. I’m sick of people thinking they are being such do-gooders when they brag about how “green” they  are. Don’t these idiots realize how much moolah and time they would save if they simply went back to the ways of yesteryear? I know the babyboomahs would probably all agree with me.

I’ll be a little contradictory for a moment; I do recycle from time to time, just not in a very PC way. When I want to buy something special to wear, I wear it and return it. Some stores are so lame because they don’t even check to see how nasty I may have gotten an outfit. I even return food sometimes. If I’m using a recipe and I have to buy something that I wouldn’t normally use – well, I don’t need it, so I take it back and tell them it had a funny taste. I was asked in a couple of grocery stores around here not to come back, but I don’t care because there are so many other stores to choose from. I’m not that unaware, afta all the store can always recycle whatever I return.

That reminds me; I thought it would be really funny to return a pair of Crystal’s soiled panties because the package claimed they were “stain resistant.” I made Crystal and her boyfriend come with me. I didn’t tell her beforehand what the mission was, so she couldn’t back out. I asked her if they wanted to come with me to go apartment hunting for the two of them. I know I know they’re only in the 10^th grade but I knew it would get her out of the house AND out from under her boyfriend. Do you know I just found out he used to be a girl? She seems ok with his gendah switch. Back to the story. I told them a little side trip was in order before we found the tow love birds their new apartment. I pulled into the store parking lot and we went inside together. I told Crystal she needed to help me with something. –wink wink- We got up to the return counter and I pulled her panties out of my pocketbook and laid them inside out and crotch side up for the returns clerk to see. I wanted her to see how these so called “stain resistant” panties didn’t work. Crystal tried to leave the returns area because she was so embarrassed, but I told her if she didn’t stand here and admit these were her panties, I would not take her and her “boyfriend” apartment shopping, which I really didn’t intend to do anyway. Suckah! I told her she could go pick out some new underwear instead.

Sis, I’m not really that environmentally challenged, I do my part when I get around to it. If you can think of more environmental hazards, otha than the normal ones I would love to know about them just because I think they’re funny.

Here are some jams, jellies and preserves:

1) Styrofoam Strawberry

2) Carbon Fruity Footprint

3) Icecap melt-away (peppermint flavored – burrrr. Is it hot or is it cold?)

Personally sis, I kind of like this global warming, I don’t have to wear my coat that often to get my latte’s in the morning.

Love, Sis