Dear Sis, (Hey, you’re still #1 in my book!)

Hello and how is my immediate relative doing? I’m doing just fine. Lisa has finally gotten passed her heat strokes. Although the school did call four times last week to notify me that she was about to drop dead; they only wanted to know what they should do. I just told them that I didn’t care, as long as she’s out of my hair for the day, besides, the school is much cooler than my house. What does she have to be complaining about! The school nurse, who isn’t even a real nurse, started bitching at me and asking me what kind of a mother I was. I asked her what kind of nurse she thought she was, then I says to her, “Oh yeah, you’re not one, you don’t know shit about heat strokes, you poser!” I hung up the telephone and went to the gymnasium to take exercise and get a may-sauge. I didn’t have time to worry about her. Lisa, that ungrateful bitch, should be kissing my ass; I took her to Dairy Queen last week so she could cool down with a Dilla Bar.

I had a cold all last week and I just had to go to the doctor for a diagnosis. They said it was just a little cough and no worries. You’re probably wondering why I went to see a doctor for a cold and I won’t take Lisa because she thinks she’s about to die – well, I think she’s faking it. Other people don’t think that she is. Just the otha evening, she started up that damn heat stroke bullshit while we were celebrating Robert’s big promotion to capt’n nightshift at Kroger. Sis, it was soooo funny. I have nevah laughed so hard in my entire life – not even at Crystal! She said I hurt her feelings by laughing, and that just made it even funnier!! She’ll be o-Kay, I guess. The otha day, she was talking about the neighbahood funeral home. She asked me what kind of casket she looks like she would be buried in. I thought that sounded like a fucked up question, but I know how weird she is, so I decided to play along with her. So I says, “Oh, you look like you would be buried in a mahogany casket!” She just started crying and I was just staring at her like she was a fool. I made her a promise though, I says that if she died, we would have anotha child and we would name her Lisa II and we would make sure that she was just like you, even better. She started crying again. My God, anything I say, makes her cry. I just got pissed and said, “Fuck this shit, ”and walked out of the room singing loudly, “Let it be, let it be” as Paul sang many moons ago.

I can’t wait to see Donny in that delish Chippendale’s outfit. I’ll have to give him a tip in his waistband and Aunt Parkay’s secret recipe for Strawberry Daiquiris for a graduation present. Does he need a ‘Rita machine? I have a spare.

Sis, enough about this bullshit with Lisa, have you gotten laid by anyone otha than your husband this week? Dad told me that Crystal dressed up like a man and tried to fool you and you fell for it. What a total dumb ass! What did you do when you reached for his skin flute and instead it was a big hairy beaver? Did you go ahead anyway? “Dare to be different”!

Well sis, tell Joel that the negligee he sent to me was quite useful. I think it was the one you wore on your wedding night. I hope you don’t mind, but he gave it to me.

I have to go, w/b soon!

Jams:

1) Nucleus Nectarine

2) Astro Adams apple

3) Heat Stroke Harness (for Lisa’s sake)

LYLAL (Love you like a lesbian),

Sis