Dear Sis,

I know you are my dear old sis, but I still can’t remembah your last name – Youknaenafehducheh???? What kind of country is Joel from anyway? I loved your last letta. We laughed our asses off reading about that prank with “The Following”. We’ll be sure to steer clear of pilgrims in the future. What weirdo’s. I have some good news; we have forced Crystal to quit her gay job with the Salvation Army. I got so sick of driving her out to the Linens-n-Things parking lot so she could stand outside and ring that stupid bell all day long. The car was freezing. I got cold taking her do-gooder self up there, I don’t understand that kid. I almost went broke having to buy her that ugly, gay uniform too, but I quickly recouped my investment by lifting the money I needed from her red donation can.She had to ring that bell eight hours a day in the snow and ice. I made sure I left some change in the can so she wouldn’t get fired. In the beginning, everything was great. She got out of the house every day, which I loved, but driving her to and fro Linens-n-Things was too hard and not very profitable for me. Sometimes I just didn’t bother picking her up if I was busy shopping or out to dinna on the otha side of town. I figured people would dig a little deepa in their wallets if they could tell that she had been outside all night in the winter weatha. $$$ I laughed my ass off when I picked her up last week; she looked just like a snowman. (Snow Crystal, hahahahah)

In other more exciting news, my sexy son, Donny is taking a bartending course that he ordered from an infomercial. He started saving his money, but figured out he could take some of the money from Crystal’s red money bucket to pay for the class. That Donny is so business savvy, between you and me, it’s a bit of a turn on. He’s learning how to mix the drinks first. To help him out, we have set up a makeshift bar at home in the pass through window from the kitchen to the dining room. Joel and I pretend we are customers at the bar all day and orda drinks from him. His work area is the kitchen and the bar is the dining room. By the time I have to pick up goodie goodie Crystal, I had my drink on and couldn’t walk to the car. Afta Donny masters cocktail terminology, he wants to learn how to dance like one of the Chippendale’s dancers. For Christmas, we bought him a used Chippendale’s outfit off the innanet. It looks just like the one I saw in a cruise ship variety show. The pants are sooo tight (yum), and the shirt is primarily made of straps, lots and lots of straps (ummm). That whole lovely thing is electric blue and silvah. I’m going to encourage him to practice his moves at home and mixing drinks at the same time (stunning). Afta his graduation, he plans to open his own bar as a Chippendale bartendah. He is already planning a second location in Vegas baby!

I’m drinking the most delicious deep throat shoota right now. Donny is wearing a bullet holsta donated from Kool and the Gang. He’s so creative; he filled it with shot glasses! He is getting some practice for his upcoming class by practicing some new Chippendale moves (High-Voltage!). He is grinning and nodding his head of sexy red, permed hair, to the music while he makes shootas. That takes a lot of talent in my book. I have given him some tip money in his waist band to give him a little taste of what it will be like in the real world.

I’ve had a brainstorm like you wouldn’t believe! Since I don’t allow Crystal to do any more community service, Donny uses her uniform, bell and red money bucket for a strippa routine. It is so funny. He says, “Hey baby, wanna ring my bell? Then put the money right there in my special red can.” He shakes the red can in front of his tallywacka. He is so smart; I don’t know where he gets it.

Well sis, I need to go make some jams, jellies and preserves. I can start back on that now that Donny has seemed to master mixing cocktails. He seems to be concentrating on his dance moves and shootas for now. FYI, he made an A+ in his cocktails 101 class! We are so proud of our young stud.

Jams:

1) Chocolate Chippendale

2) Liquor Limon

3) Boysenberry and the Little Drumma Boy (In honor of the holidays)

L/Y/L/A/S

Sis