Dear Sis,

Your trip to Africa sounds just exquisite (Say that in an Ohh La La type of voice). I think I will  take your advice and take a little vaykay there myself. Maybe next time you are playing teacher out there, we can meet up at tribal headquarters. Those dark skinned beauties sound delish, not to mention all of the possibilities inside of that hut you mentioned.

It’s so ironic how Donny is really into his new gang because Robert and I recently joined what we thought was a cult, just for something to do on the weekends.

One day afta shopping at the local grocer, an interesting fellah approached me in the parking lot. At first glance, I thought it was Charlie Manson’s twin. He handed me a brochure, walked away, then turned and winked at me. I looked down at the pamphlet and quickly looked back at “Charlie” just as he disappeared around a corner. Such a man of mystery, a little on the creepy side, but oh so intriguing!Apparently “Charlie” was trying to recruit some new membas to join his “cult”. That evening I showed Robert this, “Brochure of Promise”, and asked him if he would be interested in going with me for a free consultation. Duh!! Of course he was interested; Robert is always up for a good time.

The next weekend we arrived at what we thought was the cult cennah wearing skin caps and long, billowy, orange gowns. We had always heard that cult membas usually wore that type of outfit. Robert insisted on us wearing skin caps because cults make you shave your head, and we really didn’t want to do that since we have to go back to work on Monday. With my hair being down to my buttocks, my “bald” head was so lumpy from all of my hair being tucked up inside the cap. I would love a shorter hairstyle but Robert and Joel just love the way it cascades ova my nude body and across my pillows.

When we got there, everyone else was wearing work jumpsuits and had hair, so we had to act like  it was normal for us to have bald heads and a preference for wearing orange gowns. Admittedly we got a few strange looks, but I think they secretly wished they had dressed like us so that they could enjoy the same freedom of wearing a gown with no panties or underwear. Jealousy was written all ova their loser faces. At the beginning of the meeting, the leadah asked all of us to gather into a circle, hold hands, and pray. “Charlie” asked me to lead everyone in prayer since I was new a commah. I wasn’t really in the mood to do this, so I says to him, “Come what may”? He said, “Pardon????” I felt pressured to do this, so I pretended to talk in tongues. It was so funny, I saw Robert cracking up. All of the otha membas looked scared like they wanted to run for their lives, so I just held their hands tighter so they couldn’t get away. That made it even funnier. Afta the “prayer” session, I cornered the leadah and asked him if he wanted to fuck. Isn’t that what you are supposed to do when you’re at a cult meeting? That’s what I’ve always heard anyway. I told him I could give him private instructions for speaking in tongues. At the time, I didn’t know where Robert was; I thought I saw him heading outside carrying a shovel with the rest of the otha losers. I figured he was helping the rest of the “pilgrims” with some sort of soul harvest, whateva that is.

Sis, this Charlie guy was tall and skinny with longish brown stringy locks. He had really big corn shaped teeth and lots of pockmarks on his face. He also wore a knit hat which looked stupid because it wasn’t cold outside. Freak! So after I asked if he wanted to fuck me, I was turned DOWN, GODDAMNIT!!!! What a loser, I think he’s gay. I mean he was all, “No way”, and I was all, “Look no panties”. He was all, “You are here for the wrong reasons”, and I was all, “Look at my titties”. And I was also all, “Isn’t this a fucking cult?” And he was all, “No”, and I was all, “You’re full of shit, what’s with all the jumpsuits, prayers and taking my savings bonds and CD’s, Mother Fucker!?!” Then he told me this is not a cult, but a non-profit organization to help build homes for the poor. I gotta tell you sis, he had such a gay accent, and you know, the, “Oh…my… God” kind that sounds like a valley girl? Anyway, I said fuck that shit, I’m outta here, and give me back my IRA funds. He was all, “No can do lady, we already purchased a light fixture for the bathroom with it”. I was all, “Hey those were worth $45!” And he was all, “That’s all you gave us”. Then he was all, “We couldn’t have such a wonderful foundation without folks like you”. OK, I have to admit, that made me feel all soft inside like I had just been fucked with a warm stick of butta, without actually getting fucked. Wow, I nevah knew that doing something so generous could be likened to getting laid. I think I will “give” more in the future. In the mean time, I’m going to go find Robert and tell him we’re leaving because I got what I needed from “Charlie”. And “Charlie” got what he needed from me, our nest egg.

Later that day, I thought of something soo funny. I talked Robert into sneaking back ova to “The Following” with me. I still think it’s a cult no matter what the leadah says. So, anywho, I got Roberto to place our skin caps and robes and a pair of false teeth ever so gently on the floor like the rapture came. When we left earlier that day, no one saw us leave, including, “Charlie”. He thought I was happy and content afta our pseudo mind fuck, and probably thought I had gone to work on one of the houses. Afta Robert was finished placing the rapture props; we hid in a closet to watch those dumbasses discover our “Left Behind” things. We even found one of Robert’s old pace makahs in the bathroom drawer to use as another rapture prop. It was so  funny watching everyone’s reactions, especially since they had heard me talking in tongues earlier.

By the end of the day, I had donated our lifesavings of $45 and turned some skeptics of the lord into bible bangers. By dusk, I felt like I had really made a mark in this old cruel world.

Here are some jams I made with the other pilgrims, isn’t that gay to call themselves pilgrims? I just went along with it because I wanted them to say it a lot because it was funny.

1) Crabapple Creed

2) The Blackberry BEAST – Boo

3) Hurry Hurry, Step right up, It’s Apple Armageddon!

Love ya like a pilgram,

Sis